October 21

Dear Professor Slubgob,

I felt I owed you a letter providing an update on my present situation.  As you may have heard, I have spent the last few years here, polishing my resume and learning some specialties that seem to be uniquely structured for the North American church. 

I recall that most of our activity in the old days, and nearly all of our training, was directed to individual temptation. That, as I had the misfortune to learn, was a high stakes game. In the old days, we had a fairly rigid set of procedures that were designed to neutralize the teaching of the enemy—teaching that varied in expression from church to church but was nevertheless grounded in a common set of scriptures and often in an understanding among our enemy’s minions that crossed denominational lines.  That a short treatise by an Anglo-catholic sporting the unquestionably dull title Mere Christianity, could attract a wide following in the enemy’s camp speaks to the broad set of core beliefs we were up against.

For decades we applied the same core principles and techniques in the North American division with minor success, but without dramatic results.  In recent years, by contrast, a strong corporate and entrepreneurial spirit has taken hold here.  Demons have organized themselves into companies centered on particular churches.  There is still hierarchy, to be sure, but also opportunity for competition and for rapid rise if one of us shows himself to be particularly creative.  Of course, being part of a company has its drawbacks. One must put up with Gantt charts, committee meetings and progress reviews; our task here seems to be divided into projects and timelines, focusing on organizational goals, all directed toward some amorphous end labeled “Vision”.  As you can imagine, the learning curve has been steep. American churches vary tremendously by geography and denomination, and I am often mystified by the variety.  Some churches are highly politicized and routinely endorse candidates for office; others pretend to be apolitical. Some use wine in the enemy’s feast; others forbid it in all circumstances. The variety of musical styles and tastes boggles the mind. Yet all of this presents us with opportunities, for the Enemy’s people themselves remain self-centered enough to welcome our influence.  A patient demon has a reasonable chance to make a name for himself.  In my last assignment, a group of us organized into a fantasy temptation league, in which we tallied statistical categories such as family fights, drug use, cheating, and infidelity.  We also started an annual sheep-stealing tournament–a kind of ‘pulpit exchange’–to see how many disgruntled people we could get to switch churches.  Good fun. 

One of the things that I have found most interesting and promising is the number of active, filled churches that seem to be completely disinterested in, even embarrassed by, their spiritual heritage.  This has certainly been the case in my first two assignments, and I am curious to know what I will come across next.  My next assignment is a large church in the northeastern USA, one that, despite its independence (it is unaffiliated with any denomination and calls itself a ‘community church’) has quite a long heritage of producing formidable servants of the enemy.  Many of these are missionaries and pastors posted around the world.  I am honored, and a bit apprehensive, about my new position as the senior demon at ECC, and that is why I am writing.  I remember from my Academy days that you take special interest in the American church.  I thought you would be interested in our activities here and perhaps be able to offer some insight into this very strange phenomenon that is the American Evangelical Church.  It offers quite a contrast to the mainline Protestant and Roman Catholic studies we focused on in our studies.

I am rather optimistic about my prospects here.  The ‘devouring’ bit in my Uncle’s last letter turned out to be a bit of hyperbole, and I am quite relieved that my sentence of hard labor down under was commuted to exile. Not that the failure of the first mission was really my fault, mind you; the trauma of wartime affects even quite experienced demons.  Foxhole conversions are so common, after all.

Your Devoted Student,

Wormwood